Say “No” to Levies

lev·y / [lev-ee] 1. an imposing or collecting, as of a tax, by authority or force.

 All you folks who plan on pullin’ the lever for the next levy – whether “it’s for the kids”, or for any other reason - follow me for a moment into hypothetical land.

Everybody should have a right to a good burger, right? Well, I’m from the government and I’m here to help, so I propose a government-controlled “public burger shop”. We’ll tax people based on income and property – so all you unemployed, disabled, retired, and impoverished folks suckling on the taxpayers’ nipple, don’t worry about a thing. It won’t cost you a dime. You stand only to gain. We’re going to take some money from the treasury to give you free burgers! Hooray for free public burgers!

I know what all you greedy folks who pay taxes are thinkin’. Don’t you even say that you can’t afford free burgers for everybody. You only think about yourselves! Don’t you care about the hungry? You can afford quarter-pounders and sweet potato fries for your kids at your lavish private burger shops, but what about poor children? Without food there is no future! Don’t you want a future for poor people?

Besides, many of you will have family members employed by the new government burger bureaucracy. You’ll have kids and grandkids getting their lunches from the new “public burger shops”. With the unemployment problems we already have, you don’t want your family members to lose their jobs or take cuts in pay, do you? All burger-makers will be forced to pay into a big union that will lobby all levels of government to ensure that they’ll get paid much more with many more benefits than private burger shops. We’ve got a program called “No Burger-Eater Left Behind” and it gives the burger-makers more money. It’s awesome! And besides, the “public burger shop” will sponsor sports programs that will keep your kids entertained many long hours. In fifty years, people won’t know how they ate before the government’s patties.

The downside? Ignore the tiny bureaucratic burgers – if only we had better paid burger-makers you’d get better quality burgers! Also, ignore the fact that a government burger is twice the cost of private burgers. Also, don’t pay attention to the fact that our union and the federal Department of Burgers promote sodomy, contraception, and abortion without parental consent for all burger-eaters, and with the separation of church and state, we can’t allow prayer and Bible in the “public burger shops.” Lastly, ignore the little fact that a levy is “force.” Just keep repeatin’, “It’s for the kids! It’s for the kids! It’s for the kids!”

Patrick Johnston